The Emoji Movie hit cinemas this week, proving that if you try hard enough you can make a film out of literally anything. The very fact that this movie exists is a pretty sad state of affairs but its arrival isn’t all we should be focusing our attention on. It doesn’t matter what happens in the film (understatement of the year) or even if it’s any good (oh, it’s not). The important thing to consider this week is why a film like this came about in the first place. Has the barrel been scraped so dry that a fully fledged feature based on text message add-ons can pass as entertainment? By the looks of it, the answer is yes.

But the problem runs a little deeper than that. The movie industry seems so afraid of original thought these days that they’ll actually turn to fodder like this as a solution. It’s not the first time it’s happened either. How many times over the years has the internet done a collective face palm at the idea of a Monopoly, Tetris or Angry Birds film being developed. Undeniably there are exceptions to the rule. 2015’s The Lego Movie was far funnier and smarter than it had any right to be, something which came down to careful scriptwriting in the hands of a duo destined for bigger things but not all those on the development line get such care and attention or even hold the scope to tell a tale more inventive than their initial pitch.

Remember in the 80s when we had films like Robocop, Gremlins, The Dark Crystal or the batshit crazy antics of Big Trouble in Little China? Each was based on a collection of ideas plucked out of pure creativity. Scant budgets and dodgy acting may have filled in the gaps and added to their charm but you can’t knock their spirit of originality. They inspired future generations, planted seeds of inspiration and actively added to popular culture instead of just feeding off it and asking for a pat on the back.

Cut to 2017 and while we’re blessed with the technical know-how to bring literally any kind of story to photo-realistic life, we find ourselves using that power to imagine what the fucking poo emoji does during his down time. It’s a backwards step and one that extends further with the recent trend to unnessesarily explore back stories of beloved characters for no discardable reason, tweaking canon and impacting the way they’re perceived. What did Willy Wonka do before he owned that chocolate factory? No idea, mate. Maybe he had to do things he’s not proud of to afford the deposit for that massive factory. In fact, how did he managed to get a tribe of little people to work for him for zero pay? Best not to check, we’re not sure we want to know. Let The Emoji Movie’s failure be a warning sign to all of us. It’s time to get a little more creative with our idea generation.

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Graduation season can be awkward and drawn out process. Here's some survival tips...

It’s graduation season, that weird time where friends and family gather to actively celebrate your most carefree years coming to an end. All in all, it’s a bit of a weird day. I’ve graduated twice in my lifetime and each ceremony has been a long, awkward drawn out process that effectively could’ve been covered in about five minutes. Nevertheless, you’ve done the work (probably), so you might as well go along and keep your parents happy by wearing Harry Potter’s clothes and posing for a few awkward snaps. From my experience though there are a few things worth bearing in mind.

Firstly, go for a wee before you do anything. Seriously. Graduation ceremonies are long. Some feel longer than the actual degree you completed to get there. I made this mistake on my first graduation at Manchester Met. I was there to collect my dead useful degree in Film and Media Studies. You know, the one that definitely wasn’t a complete waste of time and money. Before things kicked off I joined a mate for a quick pint in the lobby. Rookie mistake. With hardly any time to polish it off, we found ourselves necking our drinks whilst being ushered into a big hall to take our seats. Then, it began. 

It started slow as they breezed through surnames beginning A through D. “Huh, that pint sure went through me quick,” I thought, feigning surprise. “If this keeps up, I’ll need to nip to the bathroom!” Nervous laughter followed. A touch of mild panic set in. Soon, a slight inkling became a feverous need and for three seemingly never-ending hours I was stuck there, wide-eyed and twitchy and regretting the day I ever decided to go to university. Each round of applause that greeted students accepting their scrolls was like shaking a fizzy bottle of coke, except the bottle was my crotch and the coke was just loads of piss. It was a close call and honestly one of the only things I really remember about the day. When I finally got to a toilet I was genuinely concerned that the first few squirts would be blood. Which, you know, isn’t that fun, really. 

By the time my second graduation rolled around I’d learnt my lesson but this time I encountered another problem thanks to my impossibly round head. Having dodged the piss bullet (decent band name), I messed up this time by accidentally getting a hat that was too small for my dome. The ratio of hat-holder-on-er-fabric-attached-to-my-graduation-cap to cranium was the equivalent of a golf ball to its tee. It looked like an Action Man hat. 

Embarrassing, yes, but it wasn’t so bad throughout 99% of the ceremony. After all, you’re sat down for most of it. However it made for an incredibly tense 1% as I waddled across the stage in front of hundreds of students and their parents whilst desperately trying not to move my skull for fear of my cap sliding off like some sort of tiny hat perched on a giant novelty balloon. To this day I still wonder what the uni lecturer on stage must have thought when he saw me awkwardly lumbering towards him to collect my degree. I approached him with the angular, stiff stroll of someone who’s shit themselves but is determined to power through it. Admittedly, it wasn’t the best look. 

So if you are heading to your graduation soon, heed these warnings. They could come in handy. If not, go for regular wees anyway. It’s probably dangerous to hold them in for too long. 

Got a similar graduation story? Let me know!

Why are Hollywood Blockbusters and Telly’s Biggest Shows Pandering to Musicians?

If you saw the new Game of Thrones this week then you’ll know it was a jam packed return to Westeros. With just six episodes left to wrap up a pretty epic and sometimes downright confusing show (Who’s that beardy one again? Oh yeah, they ALL have beards), creators David Benioff and D.B Weiss have a proper job on their hands tying up loose ends and making good on that never ending promise that winter is indeed coming. 

With dragon queens, ice blokes and revenge-riddled Southerners to sort, you’d think time would be precious - and it is. Us loyal viewers have stuck about for six long and complex seasons and this week we were all ready to settle in and be transported back to a fantastical land of big boats and unnecessarily long sex scenes for the final slog. We’ve waited patiently. We’re ready. Let’s do thi- wait, is that Ed Sheeran? Nope, your eyes didn’t deceive you. It wasn’t some new character; a King of the Satsuma people or an ancient lord descended from a tribe of apricot yoghurts, it was actually him: beady-eyed string plucker Ed Sheeran and boom, just like that you’re back in reality. 

I mean, we get it. Game of Thrones is perhaps the biggest show of them all. It’s broken records, redefined water cooler chat and helped you figure out who the worst dickhead in the office is when it comes to new episode spoilers but surely that doesn’t mean it should pander to trends or its famous-faced fans. The inclusion of Sheeran’s mug did wonders for breaking suspension of disbelief, like some sort of big dinner plate with features, determined to remind you that dragons aren’t real and you'll probably never own a really cool sword. Shows like this spend a lot of time building worlds; worlds that are strange yet believable and full of characters that compliment them, and with a subtle fantasy like Game of Thrones, this world building is even more crucial. Couple Sheeran’s cameo with The Hound’s top knot zinger and you’re zapped back into dreary 2017 in record time. 

It makes you wonder why the show’s creatives pander to these cameos in the first place. It’s something even proper-posh filmmaker and professional mind-boggler Christopher Nolan is guilty of too. Don’t think we’re letting you off the hook for plonking floppy haired STI machine Harry Styles in Dunkirk, Nolan. You know full well that X Factor contestants would be the worst people possible to defend our shores in a beach assault scenario. You wouldn’t rely on Pudsey the Dog to protect us from certain doom, would you? Although admittedly, that would be a good Nolan plot-twist. 

With the kind of worldwide praise that Sheeran and Styles enjoy, you’d think they’d just be happy with what they’ve got: money, fame, success, never having to queue up at Alton Towers. It’s miles more than the rest of us have and yet it’s rarely enough for those in the limelight, is it? When it comes to musicians, it always seems to come back to that old Hollywood cliché, “but what I really want to do is act!” That’s fine, mate. Just leave our shows and movies out of it.

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